So I’ve been feeling a bit low this week and for the life of me I can’t put my finger on it.
I think my moods a bit of a culmination of things really. Firstly I’ve not been training to hard just before my race and post race I’ve been very worn out. I don’t really feel like I did my self proud on race day either if I’m honest and that’s been bothering me. The main thing with it was my swim. I’m capable of such a better swim than that and on the day I fluffed it big time. I don’t even know why fully. I mean I had one goggle full of water and that really messed with my stroke. But I’m not really sure that in it’s self was enough,…. I think it might have been some nerves because of who I was swimming against. But that been said, I’ve swam on a national level I should have laughed about it,… idk. Another thing that’s been bothering me is I seem to be lacking power in my stroke. I don’t know where it’scome from, but one day I got in the pool a few weeks ago and I just realised I was going slower. I mean for me, noticably slower.
Now if you’re into sport and fitness you usually have a goto theraputic exercise. Mines swimming. I put my head down and I swim. I swim slow and stead, the world dissapearing around me and everything begins to feel right in the world again after a few hours of this. It’s like free therapy 🙂
Now hear in lyes the problem. My swim has been causing me no end of problems,…. how do I go to an exercise that I’m finding it hard to sustain or even enjoy at the moment?!? I felt stuck in limbo, not knowing which way was up. I was getting to that point where I needed a good cry. I nice relaxing cry just to get it out my system but not even sad films were working,…. was I broken, was there something wrong with me???
With university assignment deadlines looming something needed to be done….
So it was coming to the end of the week after the race. I’m not feeling 100%, but good enough to train again, nice and steadly. I needed to do something.
Now I don’t live to far away form my loval pool, It’s about 1.1 miles away. The problem is though that everyone knows me there. I don’t mean it in any bad way, but in some ways I’m always on show there if that makes sence? I decided I was going to go for my long run this easter sunday, except this time I took my swimming kit in my hydration rucksack. I’d decided that I was going to take a senic route to another pool at the other end of the city I live in, have my self a little swim and then run back.
I fueled up before I went for this run as usual and I set off. My legs were stagnant. I hadn’t run probely on them all week apart form a few miles on a treadmill. They were heavy, my lung hurt, my legs almost instantly were on fire,…. this is a feeling I enjoy. I worked through the pain, rythmicaly moving forward, no music just my own thoughts to keep me company. By the time I made it to the pool I was a sweating mess. 10 miles, it felt good to have my legs working again. I got changed in this unfermillia pool. The worry of using the womens changing rooms came into play. That’s all I needed on a day like to day was to get called out for using the “wrong” changing rooms. This worry , like always was in my head. I’ve not been confronted about this for well over two years now, but it’s always in the back of my mind.
I got in the pool and I started off slow and steady, keeping time, breathing, catch,… recovery,…. glide,… catch,….recovery,…. glide. At each end doing a fancy little tumble turn, I didn’t want to have to face the world. Not now, not yet. I kepy my head under water for as long as possible. I increased my speed, my arms powering through the water, stretching out with each stroke to pull my body through the water. and then it happened. It was a little at first, I hardly noticed it my self. I could have been mistaken, it could be sweat or any number or droplets of the gallons of chlorinated water. But then it hit me dare I say like a wave. I was crying, my arms methodicaly moving through the water as I cried between breaths. I would come up to breeth and between I would let the water wash away and filter out my emotions. I didn’t count the lengths I’d done nore the time it had taken. I just swam till I was done. Till I felt fulfilled.
I got out the pool like nothing had happened. Was any one the wiser to my out burst? My body dripping onto the laminate flooring I sat in the changing room creating my own pool at my feet. I was exsausted. Not just physicaly but emotionaly also. I few deep breaths later I composed my self and started to pull on my sweaty running clothes over my drenches skin untill I no longer looked like a swimmer, but a runner in altogether the wrong enviroment. I began to run home,… another 10 miles. I had only made it half way through today’s training but I felt like I had overcome some bigger obsticals than distance or time. My body didn’t know what to do, it was tiered, hungry, wet and cold. All the things that make for some interesting running. With the weight lifted off my shoulders I bounded home. My feet moving one infront of the other, as if they knew their role in carrying me home and I had no involvment in the matter. My legs powered on, my eyes blurred untill I made it home,…. where I felt refreshed, I was a new,…. and nothing more was thought about the past few weeks. They are behind me and what matters is what is infront of me now. xxx
trisexual 